In preparation for the upcoming Sustaining Women in Business conference, I had the pleasure of interviewing one of our uber cool speakers, Gala Darling. For those of you who are not familiar with Gala, let me introduce you! Gala has started what can only be called a global Radical Self…
Want to change something? Read this first.
For many people, working out how to change something, especially a bad habit, is one of the most frustrating things you can experience. Many people know what they want to change, but don’t have the knowledge needed to implement it. Perhaps you can relate. You start a new diet on a Monday and wonder why, as an intelligent, self-motivated, driven person, you cannot seem to keep the cupcake out of your mouth by Wednesday. What’s up with that? Or you wonder why you can’t seem to kick your procrastination habit, your lack of exercise habit, your bad work habit or any other part of your existence that is not serving you well. Sound familiar at all?
Understanding the process of change, why we are the way we are, and how to change when you really want to, is incredibly important. The attribute of driving effective change can give you the keys to the kingdom of your success and happiness. However, it can keep you in the deep dark hole of frustration, that can lead to self-defeat and low self-esteem, if you don’t learn how to use it.
So let’s start with what we typically know. Changing behaviours is hard. Change is hard, period. You get wired to certain patterns of behaviour, and your brain gets stuck in a groove that takes concerted, conscious and consistent effort to change. And even when you do manage to change for a few days, weeks or months, it is all too easy to slip back into your old patterns.
The good news is that we know, through the latest neuroscience, that our brains are ‘plastic’. This means they can create new neural pathways (like brain train tracks), which allows you to create change and form new patterns of behaviour that over time, can stick. You find a new groove, so to speak. But it takes work. Sometimes, it takes a lot of work. And it takes time. The popular myth that you can quickly and easily change a deeply-ingrained habit in 21 days has been largely disproven by brain and behavioural scientists in recent years. They now think that it actually takes anywhere from six to nine months to create the new neural pathways that support changing behaviour – hmmm, no more of those quick fix plans. Sorry.
There are three things needed to make any change, whether it is mental, emotional or physical: desire, intent and persistence. Our pop culture society is filled with women’s magazine covers that say you can meet your dream partner by the weekend, land your dream job in five days, or lose ten kilos in two weeks. This can leave mere mortals feeling completely inadequate when they fail to do these things, which are completely unrealistic, if not downright impossible, to get done in the first place.
When you consider that only eight percent of people actually follow through on changing a habit, you can see that it’s key to understand enough about the change process, and yourself, to smooth a path to success.
So what are the steps and considerations? Here are some questions to think about, as you begin to create positive change in a lasting way:
You really to have to want it
There is no point in saying you are going to stop working so much, so you can get some semblance of balance in your life, if in reality you really don’t care that much about balance, and you really love to work. Who are you doing it for? Don’t kid yourself. You must be serious and care about the change you decide to make, so you are willing to work for it and follow through.
What need is being served by what you are doing now?
Your current behaviour is there for a reason, or you wouldn’t be doing it. Hard to swallow, but true. Whether you’re a workaholic, 20 kilos overweight, have anger management issues, or are unhappily single – your current situation is serving you somehow. So take some time to think about this. Whether the need is relaxation but the behaviour is binge drinking; or the need is recognition but the behaviour is overwork to prove yourself; you first need to identify what need is being served by your current behaviour. Once you have the answer, you can work out how to meet this need in another way, smoothing the path to change.
How else can you meet your needs?
So, you have identified the current behaviour and how it is serving you – that’s fantastic. Now think about how else you could get this same need met. You may relate to this example. For some people, eating cupcakes, chocolate or other things, that you downright know are not only bad for you, but proven to leave you feeling tired, grumpy and full of self-loathing, is less about the food, and more about the nurturing, comfort, or distraction they are providing. How else could you get your need met? Perhaps retreating to your meditation cushion, your yoga mat, the bath tub, or even your bed, would give you a much greater sense of the nurturing needed, without the guilt, crash in self-esteem for not following through on your intention, and of course, the kilos (bury those skinny jeans a little deeper again). So when you think about the needs you have, how else can they be met?
What’s the price of not changing?
You will experience ambivalence on the change path, no question about it. That’s okay. But to progress down the road, you have to ask yourself, what is the price of not changing? If you really want a promotion, but are too fearful to ask for the management development training that you need, the price is staying in the same role. Is overcoming your fear worth the goal? Or if you really want to get healthy, lose weight and get fit, but you don’t want to have to cut the sugar and get out walking, what is the price of that behaviour? Putting on yet another ten kilos? Think about and write down any negative effects your current behaviours are creating in your life – self‑loathing, boredom, career stagnation, frustration. Once you have hit this wall of realisation, you are in the perfect place to turn around and move forward.
What positive image can pull you forward?
It is known from research in the fields of positive psychology and neuroscience, that you have more success when you are moving towards something positive, than moving away from something negative. It is also known that positive images pull you forward. Think vision boards, athletes visualising their performance success, or thinking through the positive outcome of a business presentation before it takes place. It works, and science now proves that it does. So what positive image of the outcome you want can you visualize, to pull you towards success? Come up with one, have it firmly in your mind, place it on a wall, in your computer, in your journal, or anywhere you will reference it, and look at it frequently. It can be especially helpful when your resolve is slipping, to remind you what you are working so hard for.
Are you acknowledging success?
When you have made progress on your change efforts, it is really important to acknowledge that achievement. When you celebrate your efforts, you create upward spirals of momentum that help reinforce the positive change and make it stick. Recognising your efforts also helps to reinforce the direction you are moving, and motivates you further towards your goals. Recognising, acknowledging and celebrating your progress, however small, are keys to success on your change path.
Change can be challenging. Anyone who has tried to change a habit knows this is true. But it is possible. And you can smooth the path to success by being aware of the cycle of change, being prepared, and being consistent. The result is worth the effort, if you want it badly enough to work for it.
I hope you enjoyed this edited excerpt from Getting Real About Having It All. Have you read the book and loved it? If so, I would be ever so grateful if you would consider taking two minutes and leaving a review on Amazon. We are getting ready to launch in the US and this would be so helpful to let other readers get a gist of the book! Get some good karma and head on over to Amazon and leave a few words. Thank you so much!